Sass Trek: The Spock Chronicles
by Starkid191
Summary: Throughout the films, and the books, and the TV shows, the crew of the USS Enterprise repeatedly show way too much sass. And these are Spock's key moments. Chapter one: Can't touch this.


**I**** was reading Beamring's Genesis (it's really good by the way, go read), and I noticed how sassy Spock was. He's so sassy in the films too. And the tv show. So I wrote this. Enjoy!**

"You shall not harm the Captain whilst I am here."

Spock clutched the unconscious man to his chest whilst glaring at the rogue admiral and his twisted crew.

A long and complicated sub-plot involving disappearing moons, giant rubber ducks and anti-starfleet terrorists had eventually ended up with Captain Kirk discovering the Admiral's evil plans, confronting him and then getting kidnapped and tortured, therefore forcing his crew to beam down to Earth to try and rescue him from the Admiral's evil clutches. Hence why Spock was now trapped in a room with the aforementioned evil Admiral, a broken communicator, quite a few bad guys, and an unconscious Kirk.

It was the same every time. They planned and planned, and then when they got there, all hell broke loose.

Like that time that Chekov had accidentally initiated the self destruct sequence for the Enterprise - a surprisingly easy mistake to make, considering that the Enterprise was Starfleet's flagship - and Kirk had ordered a ship wide evacuation. The bridge crew, along with Doctor McCoy, had, of course, refused to leave - until Kirk had tricked them, giving them all 'jobs' to do, which conveniently placed them all in evac. shuttles which the captain had then jettisoned off into space.

They'd found him a week later, once Scotty had managed to hack his way through a series of Jim's insane computer codes and re-route the shuttles back to the Enterprise. It had been broken, doors and windows shattered, glass carpeting the hallways. And Jim...

Jim had been slumped, half in, half out of the chair, unconscious, covered in bruises and cuts, but still somehow with an amazing amount of Starship left.

An unexploded Starship, too.

Somehow, the madcap Captain had managed to stop the self-destruct sequence before it blew him up, and save the ship and the entire crew. One step up from his dad, Bones had muttered quietly.

Or that time when the Tribbles had attacked. Again. Only this time, it wasn't any old Tribble - it was the one with Khan's blood.

And so they'd had numerous mutant Tribbles running rampage on the ship. They also turned out to be incredibly poisonous. Luckily, Leonard had easily synthesised an antidote. And guess who was allergic to it?

That's right. James T. bloody Kirk.

Or at least, that was how Doctor McCoy had put it.

And now this. They'd beamed down onto the surface of an alien planet in order to assist in the evacuation of the natives, when the Captain had uncovered a plot by one of Starfleet's main Admirals. Admiral Parkman had engineered a crop failure on the planet so that he could test his new genetic engineering methods. For months, he'd been slowly changing the DNA of the inhabitants through fake inoculations and flu jabs. For some reason, Captain Kirk had been particularly incensed, and had disobeyed all starfleet regulations by immediately beaming back to Earth and charging recklessly against the Admiral's men. He'd then been captured and evidently tortured.

The crew had followed at warp, and had eventually located their missing Captain, deep in an underground fortress amid the Admiral's twisted experiments and failed test subjects.

"Admiral Parkman, I hereby place you under arrest by Starfleet Regulation 2995b. You will surrender your weapons immediately and leave in the custody of the Enterprise's security crew, or I will be forced to implement certain, less favourable, procedures."

"Less favourable procedures?" One of Parkman's men snorted. "Less favourable procedures, my ass. Goddamn Vulcans."

The Admiral stalked forward, "Spock, you know you can't win, right? You know that there's no way in which you can win? We'll just kill you too. Starfleet's not going to care much about a First Officer and a Captain. Those deaths are easily covered up."

"Your logic is sound, Admiral, however there are a few factors you have not taken into account. One is that the rest of the crew will not allow you to get away with this act of rebellion. In the event that you will merely kill the crew to prevent them from telling the rest of the world, I suggest you consider another obstacle in your way."

Spock paused for a moment. "Before you make a very grave mistake, I feel that it is my duty to inform you that as the son of the Vulcan ambassador to Earth, I enjoy full diplomatic immunity. Any attack on me would result in sever consequences from the governments of both Earth and New Vulcan. As you humans would say...can't touch this."

**I always imagine Spock just doing a Z snap and sidling out. Please review!**


End file.
